Dreamers

I used to feel so helpless in life. First of all, nothing was my fault because if I had things my way of course I wouldn’t find myself in any substandard situation, I wouldn’t find myself in any mediocre position, nevertheless there I was, in my own eyes, average, nothing special. I wanted nothing more than to be muscular, good –looking, intelligent, rich, and popular—but I wasn’t. I was nerdy, poor, what some would describe as scrawny (of course anyone with class would refer to it as “lean”) unpopular, awkward around girls, and wherever two or more guys gathered I was always the weakest and lesser man. Now this is not subjective, this is objective—facts.

I would not remain like this, I thought. I’m going to carve myself into who I want to be down to the very last detail- every skill, trait, virtue, and strength I will attain them. I will destroy every vice, weakness, and failing. I didn’t care how much work it took, how absurd my plans sounded to others, I would see them through. Why? Because I am so much more than anything can limit. I am capable of doing virtually anything. I won’t fail, not because I can’t, but because I will not. It’s simple. Oh I was adorable; such a pathetic thing with such grand ambitions, an afro-Oliver Twist! I didn’t know how I would accomplish this at the time, but I didn’t care, I knew two things—what I wanted and that I was prepared to do whatever it took to get it. I let myself dream up everything that I wanted, and I wrote it down, and I didn’t skimp either I let my heart write on that list anything that it desired in this life and I would later figure out how to attain it. After I was done I read out that list and I was so excited it was almost as if I was promised everything on the list at that time. As time went by and I set out to attain the things on my list I would ask others about their own, but few people had a list. A lot of people didn’t know what they wanted, some knew things that they wanted but said it was too much work, others said that what they wanted was impossible and they could never achieve it. Needless to say I was discouraged. I didn’t understand, I watched on as people drank and smoked their lives away, put no effort into getting top grades in school, had no plan for the near future, didn’t care about their character or their personal weakness, they just kind of existed. It’s disgusting to me.

I have a handful of friends I pay close attention to. They all share a common trait. They dare to dream and they dream big, but not only that but they back it up with action too. They are accomplishing and have accomplished projects that make me cringe at the thought of undertaking! They are of course an inspiration to me and just refreshing to be around. It’s a fact that the majority of people on this planet are just taking up space, just getting by. For one reason or another they have resigned themselves to mediocrity and created a cute arsenal of excuses and defense mechanisms to justify their so-so lifestyle. If it is time to work-- they’re tired, they want to put it off another day, they don’t have enough time, etc . But if it’s time to go to the club, nothing but smiles and fist-pumping. They live with little purpose than to survive and to gratify their short term desires. They consume, they need, they complain, they judge, and they blame, and then they die. It’s not something for anyone one of us to look down on because it’s simply our default. If we were to not take control of ourselves that’s exactly how we would end up and it’s sad.

But there is something remarkable about this specific group of friends I posses who I will affectionately refer to as “The Dreamers”. You see The Dreamers for one reason or another have decided to pursuit their ambitious, ridiculous, “unrealistic” goals. It’s rare to find people like that, and if you do, hang on to them. There is one thing that a Dreamer must do in order to see their dreams come to fruition and it is to completely dominate themselves. Every aspect of our human nature is going to keep us from accomplishing our goals. Thus being successful is a constant battle against our self. There is a part of us who is going to always want to give up, we’ll call him Q. Q is going to want to sleep in, she is going to be too terrified of failure to want to go through with the goal, he is going to be tired when you need to work, she is going to want to go out and drink when you need to read, he is always going to be doubting if it’s possible, she is going to be bringing up what everyone else said about you and your ambitions, he will want to blame others for why you can’t get an A, or why you couldn’t do a better job, she will rationalize away every noble pursuit you put in front of you as to why it’s a silly undertaking, and so on. This little brat is literally going to try and bring you down to mediocre, and stop you from realizing your dreams. We all know it to be true. We have all felt the hot sting of regret after doing something stupid, after not taking an assignment or deadline seriously, after deciding to give up on something, or not do it only to watch someone else succeed who used to be on your level but stuck with it. Ah the merciless truth: we are to blame. We push that terrible feeling out of our heads as soon as it surfaces because it’s too real. Our failure and disappointment in ourselves is too real and we just blame someone or something as the reason we “could not” or “could never” do x, y, or z. The truth is the person who we were was so weak and sad that they couldn’t do it. They would much rather have gone out and drank or watch TV. Thank your younger self for what they have left for you. If it hurts, as I’m sure it does, have a little compassion and don’t do that to your future self.

But no one wants to fight Q and thus people slowly become Q themselves and never see their dreams through. And no one ought to want to fight Q in the first place; it’s one of the most unpleasant experiences a person could put themselves through. Think about it. We are put face to face with our natural and deep seated flaws and vices. When we have never tried to fight them, we can at least be comforted with the thought that if we ever decided to it would be as easy as to stop doing this or start doing that. But for those who have tried, they have found the reality to be far crueler. It’s not easy to change the worst parts of ourselves. And the struggle is tiring and demoralizing. To think that one has kicked the habit only to succumb 36 days later or else to tell themselves that they will X everyday only to find that at the end of every day they never found time for X—it’s disheartening. To keep trying, but still fail every time—even more frustrating is the fact that they aren’t trying to get someone else to change, something they ultimately have no control over, but themselves and to still fail… its utter despair. The disappointment and guilt one is burdened with when they can’t even live up to their own standards for themselves is crippling. Nothing is more humbling. If we can’t handle that fight then the alternative is to have no control over our own behavior and to become a slave to the whims of life and others, constantly reacting—never planning, never following through.

I won’t lose so easily. I refuse to end up like that. I’m repulsed by the very notion. I don’t want to be an excuse maker, I don’t want to be lazy, I don’t want to always take and never give, I don’t want to do something and later wonder why I did it, I don’t want to be weak. Mark Morrison was not meant to be that kind of a person and I will not let it happen! If I set an ambitious goal and I hear all sorts of doubts coming about in my head I will act in spite of them. If I am afraid of failing I will act anyway. If I wake up and don’t “feel” like working, that’s too bad because I will. I am no longer a child and to act like one creates too much dissonance for me to stomach. What everyone else does in their life is none of my concern, but as for me I will not allow myself to become anything less than a man I can be proud of. No excuses. I don’t know why this is such a rare phenomenon but I do know that I will encourage all of my close friends and family to take up their sword and fight. And if we fail, let’s try again. And if we fail, let’s try again. And if we fail, let’s try again. And if we fail let’s try again. And if we fail…

Ultimately, it comes down to what that individual will accept. Society has dulled our senses making it seem as if it is alright to be just like everyone else. Dreams are for celebrities and historical figures and Bill Gates, not for me. Anything that doesn’t come easy is above average and optional, hmm. What will you accept of yourself? Can you look in the mirror knowing that in school or work you’re not doing your best, just “getting by”? Are you proud of yourself? Can you look in the mirror and smile at a person who has no purpose in life, nothing to offer anyone? Are you proud of yourself that you started to learn something new or a new project and once it got difficult or the novelty wore off you just walked away from it? Is that the extent of your resolve? How many personal weaknesses are you aware of about yourself and do nothing to fix? Is this really all you’ve got? Is who you are now the best you can create? Who we are and even our circumstances after a certain age is our fault. Not our father for walking out on us, or our mother for abuse, or the kids who made fun of us, it’s not their fault, it’s ours.

I don’t look at people’s character based on how much money they have, or what they’re GPA is, or who they’ve dated. I look at peoples’ drives and ambitions and what they do to achieve them. Whether their dream is Harvard Law School, an invention, to start their own business, to really help others in need, become an actor, an athlete, anything that is important to them, when I speak to someone I try and decipher whether they have a fire to them. Those people I make a point to stay in contact with, talk to, and help. I know how hard it can be to fight my Q and so I know how the Dreamers must feel. No matter how much they’ve accomplished, all Dreamers need to be encouraged and inspired by one another just to be reminded that what they are striving for is possible and that there are others fighting too.

Listen, nothing resonates stronger in a person than their own opinion of themselves. It doesn’t matter how bad our condition is today. We can sit down and really think about who we want to become and measure that against who we are now and understand the difference. Do we really think that if we got serious and devoted all of our strength and intelligence to closing the gap that we couldn’t? We are as weak or as strong as we decide we are. With no evidence or results to back it up, one day I decided that I am strong, and then I set out to prove it to myself. I must say I’m impressed.