A man

There are moments in my life when I feel like a man. They seem exclusive to the minutes after a shower where I get dressed up-- a crisp pair of blue jeans, a cream flannel, and a spritz of fragrance. Nothing gets by me and I'm already on to the fact that a modest amount of cologne and a wrist-watch is what makes the man.

I shouldn't be surprised then if I feel over dressed for bed. Well, I think to myself, maybe a man is supposed to sleep as if his future wife may knock on his bedroom door anytime past midnight. More perturbing things have occurred before.

After a shower is when the mirror is kindest t0 me. It's like one of those friends who round up their calculations when you ask them how you look. Bless them. My mirror never stops to think that it might be hurting me more than helping me when it reflects on a curve and I go out into public thinking I'm 20% more handsome than I actually am.

I'm spoiling myself, I know I am. I know this life doesn't belong to me. The cooking, the reading, the thinking quietly to myself about my own good and bad habits. I'm just borrowing them for the moment, a sort of meantime while I await the upcoming semester. If I am going to use my time wisely, it would be devoted to figuring out how to be this cute between the first day of classes and the last exam. Like a physician trying to save the life of a patient he's fallen in love with, I just mutter that "there must be a way" under my breath desperately.

Furthermore, there is more that I need to figure out. It's been too long since I reevaluated my long term goals. That may be more on purpose than I let on, as all of my long term goals have been neglected in the past 5 months save the law school thing. Good for me... the law school thing. I ought to finish up Japanese once and for all and move onto another language. Easier said than done, of course.

In the end I still can't but feel that I'm missing the point. Like my priorities aren't aligned with what they ought to be, like I'm not on my path. I suppose it's difficult to feel like a man when you're living off of loans. I'm sure there is much confidence to come by way of an income and a healthy savings account. But I'm sure once I have that I'll find there is yet something else. Waiting for clarity doesn't seem to help, so I surmise that it is up to me to find the answer. But what could it be?

A Decisive Battle Won

I wonder how much longer until my roommate finds out I’ve been stealing sugar from him. I ran out weeks ago and haven’t brought myself to buy some more. This whole situation isn’t good for me, the sugar is white.

I’ve finally grown accustomed to my new life. I know where all the dishes are in my cupboards, I know which trains to take where, and I know that if I don’t pick up my laundry from the basement by ten, I will not get it that night. It feels good to feel oriented to my environment again.

Now that I have settled down, there is time to the survey the damage I’ve done to my life in my panic. I haven’t been eating properly, I relapsed and picked up my smoking habit again, I haven’t been working out consistently, I haven’t been sleeping enough, I spent most of my time either thinking longingly about my past or anxiously about my future, and I’ve been complaining the whole time with a victim’s mentality. Nice.

So we know what the problem is…

I can’t say that I watched idly as this all happened. I didn’t watch. My mind was elsewhere, certainly not on my own self improvement and mental, physical, and spiritual health. Of course everything that happens to us is the best possible thing that has ever happened to us if we believe it. So it’s up to me to turn this seemingly unsavory situation into my own personal victory. All of those terrible symptoms share the same catalyst. That catalyst is success.

Success, success, success.

That perfectionist and competitive thing I have going on is driving me into the ground here. I am sacrificing everything to do well. The sick thing about it is, I make very little progress because I spend all my time nervous, and worried, and fearing failure. It’s the same old story. Well I’m finally able to let go of that now.

I can sense that I’m getting stronger even if on the surface it seem like I’m regressing. I’ve started to feel more comfortable with the thought of not being the best in school and work. The very thought a while back would have sickened me. Back then I could not tell the difference between not trying to be the best and giving up. I figured if I didn’t do everything in my power to do well then I wouldn’t do well. If I wasn’t thinking about the goal day and night I would not fulfill it. That’s a child’s mentality.

I’m going to let go of trying to force the outcome that I want and start living in the present, doing my best in faith that I will be rewarded for my effort. It may not be in the way I expect but in one form or another, and it will be the best the outcome for me. Oh I feel so emancipated just thinking about it.

With my mind free and clear of anxiety and perpetual thoughts of me face down in a gutter because I didn’t study an additional hour I can go back to taking care of myself. And as I have already mentioned, there is quite a bit to care for.

I’ll start doing this today and get back on track to becoming a great person.

Magic

I’ve been waiting for the opportunity to lean in close to someone and whisper into their ear, “Do you believe in magic?” The opportunity has never come.

Sometimes I have to fight off the thought that everything will be alright if I turn my focus to the more important things in life like courage and love. Whenever those kinds of thoughts infiltrate to the front of my mind, I do whatever it takes to ward them off. I try to distract myself with other things, take a cold shower, whatever it takes.

What nonsense.

But still, the thought always come back. Sometimes I do feel like my steps are directed, like everything is coming together. Which is weird seeing on how at the same time I always feel like something bad is going to happen to me if I don’t stay vigilantly watchful. The two states of mind are at direct competition with each other.

I think it’s a part of growing up. One day you wake up and you’re like, “You know what? Screw it, I’m going to have a good day today. I’m going to take whatever I have and make the best of it and just freakin’ have a good freakin’ day”

I get the fuzzies just thinking about it. I’m so tired of being all tense and thinking, oh what’s going to happen? What if this? What if that? No—how about I go work out instead. How about I read a book. Watch a movie. Anything.

But what if the worst happens?

Hmm I don’t know. That’s where the magic comes in, I guess. Maybe the worst will never happen. Maybe by letting go, you get it all. Here let me lay it all out so it makes sense.

What does a life sound like with no pressure? You simply do your best and you accept the result. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. But that’s not the focus. The real focus is on you. You learn more about yourself and even others. You try to improve yourself, you set goals and you innocently work towards them. No pressure.

My challenge for the upcoming year is to chill out, but to still work hard. At the rate that your hero is going his mind will melt into gelatin. This is a big deal. One year ago I would never even have entertained such a thought, but I think I’m finally ready to just relax.