Time flies at a far swifter pace than I can forge wit and so
months of my life wave past unaddressed in this journal. Reoccurring themes get
to know newer ones as I grow older and the un-expected happens as life reminds
me of its unpredictability. I try persistently, stubbornly to understand how to
do it all properly—how to live. I’ve
learned that patience applies to more than just waiting in line, but I struggle
none the less. My new weapon has been flexibility. Breathing and flexibility. My
resolve to be more flexible has been challenged and I have been called to let
go of things I thought came default. We really can’t take anything for granted.
I have firmly come to believe that when we do let go we’re rewarded with much
in terms of the new and fabulous. I consider loss an upgrade from the status
quo and so I am able to sleep soundly at night.
My advice: go to therapy. Since abandoning whatever residual
pride I had left after decades of living and started going to therapy my life
has improved immeasurably. Once a week I meet with my new friend and we dissect
and discuss my fears, frustrations, hopes, and dreams, victories and perceived failures.
And we laugh. What’s so funny? Well, it’s the irony. In therapy we learn that
we’re not as damaged as we thought we were all along. It’s beautiful, really.
Beautiful and funny.
After nearly four years of writing I have come to the magnificent
conclusion that life is about far more than meeting a girl who will let me melt
into her and forget all the homework life set in front of me to begin with.
Another irony since it was my one and only goal for so long and yet while I could
accomplish so much I could never accomplish that. God truly does save us from
ourselves. I find myself dwelling substantially less in the country of
resentment and depression because of this realization. And I perceive that
there is less of a rush to find her and much more of a rush to find me.
Good.
Even I can’t deny that I have grown up a bit. Honestly it
doesn’t feel so magical at any given time when I’m in the thick of it, but when
I take a step back to survey my work the obvious is brilliantly clear and my
heart feels light. Yes, all the signs point to it all being alright, a prediction
I never thought would belong to me. But, flanked by the affection of my family,
esteem of my friends, and guidance of my therapist I have finally come to agree
that the best me is yet to come.
