Dear Mark,
The day I got into Berkeley I roamed around the house aimlessly. Like generic lotion from CVS the news just wouldn't sink in and I reacted like I had heard someone named Mark had gotten in; I was happy for him. It finally sank in when I gave my mom and dad a call to give them the good news. Once I said, "Mommy, I got into Berkeley" I felt her joy for me. Together we celebrated and congratulated me. She said some words, I said some words. Once I got off of the phone with them I collapsed onto my big boy's bed, exhaled a big boy's exhale, smiled a big boy's smile, and finally said, "wow."
The subsequent week after that my face broke out from stress. Like a broken record I would always tell Mike the same thing-- "when I get into law school I'm going to be so relaxed, I won't even know what to do with myself." Thinking about it now, I'm not surprised that I didn't celebrate. Getting into a top 10 Law School is a feat, and I know many great students would be outright offended to know I took a precious seat and wasn't beside myself with joy. I should have just gone to church the next day, I should have led the choir. But the truth is I immediately didn't feel worthy, in fact, I felt guilty. There were over 8,000 people who applied and 500 accepted. I know my numbers, and I felt like I took someone's spot who deserved it more. On top of that I started worrying about where the money is going to come from, flying to and from California with my fear of flying, where my friends were going to get in, if I would be happy with my job after graduation, if I would even have a job after graduation, where I am going to practice law, if I was going to be far away from my family, if I would be able to compete with the students there, if my writing will be good enough to make law review, whether I would get good enough grades this semester that I won't have my acceptance revoked, whether the acceptance was an administrative error, whether my Japanese will be near fluency by the time I graduate Law School, whether I will have time to study Japanese during law school, how much I'll miss my close friends and family and other things.
Anxiety. I hope you're free of that. I hope you've gotten control of it. I was kind of depressed because although I had these concerns any time I tried to talk to someone about any of them they would just reply, "Stop complaining you got into Berkeley" or "Mark, you shouldn't have a care in the world", , "You should be the happiest guy at FSU right now, stop complaining and just relax." or my personal favorite-- "I hate you so much right now". They think just because I get into a school I am now the perfect person with not one care in the world.
I've slowly fought off most of my worries and concerns, continually reminding myself how ridiculous I've been being. I'm just trying to focus on graduating, really. Mark, you've gotten slow by now. Every quiz, assignment, reading, writing, listening practice, every exam, and every paper take all of your mental energy to complete. You're tired.
I didn't forget my promise to you to live a story. I've been trying. Last week I went to see John Mayer in Jacksonville, it was a memorable concert. I'm planning on a cruise for spring break. Berkeley will fly me out to California 4 days after my 23rd birthday. My friend Gina promised to show me around San Francisco. In between all of these events-- here and there-- I'll manage to do something exciting.
I kissed a girl or two in the past month or so, although I'm still working on an actual relationship. What a difference a few months make. I've become a lot more comfortable in myself and confident in my personality. I'm sure it helps that I've been taking care of myself physically too. I hope by now you found her, or at least had some good times with a few special girls. I wonder what age you were when you finally found that girl. Was it a Berkeley grad student? A girl you met on the beach when you were out with some friends. Or is it someone that I know now? I bet she's artsy-- like she dances or sings. Adorable smile too. I know that you appreciate her as much as she appreciates you. You're so lucky! I've been thinking a lot about love and finding the right girl. From observing people and situations around me it doesn't look good. Often I get the advice to give up on my "unrealistic" views of relationships. Screw it, what others do to make themselves miserable and hurt others is there business. If they want run through girls like the tight end of the Cowboys they can, if they want to be in relationships for the wrong reasons they can, but I decided I'm sticking to my view on relationships and women. If by chance I am wrong, I'll gladly die alone. You know whether I am or not, I bet you're pleased with the outcome. With that being said, I will push forward with the girls that I like. If they can't see what I have to offer, I will simply continue on. I refuse to accept the conditions I feel like a lot of people have accepted when it comes to relationships. I was never one to follow the crowd anyway and look where that's gotten you.
Mark, I hope you can read this now and laugh. Laugh at how scared and excited you were in February of 2010. I hope you are proud of me. I hope I don't let us down in the years to come. I'm working hard so that I can be just like you.
P.S- I'm thinking about taking out another loan... you got me right?
P.S.S- Don't let her read this, it will embarrass both of us.
Song: Still (Reprise)- Ben Folds
As much as I can relate to your anxiety -- in my experience, the biggest suggestion I can give you is to don't lose track of the fact that life is about the journey, not the destination. I know it sounds trite, but worrying about whether or not you'll enjoy your job after law school does not matter. Just getting your law degree from Berkley will open up an infinite number of doors to you. If you don't end up liking law, who cares? Find something else you do like. You could even skip Berkley right now and have an extremely successful life. There is no one "right path" through life.
ReplyDeleteWords you've been told before, I'm sure, but it helps me to hear them from time to time.
Thanks Curtis, you seriously are a lot wiser than your time! This is good advice that I do need to hear from friends, to remind me.
ReplyDeleteI really agree with Curtis. As much as you're writing a narrative, remember it's not a linear one. You have all the right ideas and you do all the right things to get you to a place where you'll be happy and proud of yourself. The key is to, as much as possible, try to refrain from thinking about if you'll find her, and just realize it's a matter of when. You will not have to settle, it will just take a little more time, and that's ok. I think that's good because as your friend, I feel you still need a little more time before you are grounded with yourself. Keep exploring, experiencing, and logging. <3
ReplyDeleteAlso, I feel a little insensitive and self absorbed after reading this! (Though I know that was not your intention). I can see now where your stress was coming from and I should have been more in tuned with that the other day! But again, don't think about it. If you want Japanese to be in your life, it WILL be in your life. You can slip in a little news article, a comic strip, a song, a few pages in a grammar book.