I think that in life you really have to be thrifty. You have to learn to take what looks like useless things and make them work for you. You also have to really look hard for the bargains, for the lessons, for the hints, and for the help. Perception and understanding is what I currently spend my time thinking about. How can I solve this problem? Am I being completely realistic and honest with myself about the issue? Am I blocking out the real solution because of other motives? At my new age I’ve leveled up and gained some wonderful insight into life. The new wisdom that we’re blessed with from year to year could potentially hold the key to solving problems we thought impossible to solve before. Like the realization that there is certainly not one person out there for any individual but any number of matches and the success of any of those relationships doesn’t depend on how capable the other person is at making you happy, but rather the depth of you and your beloved’s commitment to each other’s spiritual growth. It turns out that the secret to a successful relationship is not inextinguishable feelings of being in love-- blessed by fate-- and being blown ever gentle kisses from the stars, who can only be jealous of “what you two have”—no, such things are best left in the hands of Walt Disney and Pixar. Though it lacks in “charm and magic”, a mature choice to pick someone to be with and the even more mature choice to actively love them day in and day out (action not feeling) is really love. And when you perceive someone doing this for you, I’m confident that the tears will be just as real as if you thought that “wishes really do come true.” When that rings true with you, it’s like—duuuh. And all of a sudden you are able to let go of all the jealousy, and self-doubt, and toxic relationships that you dealt with before you truly understood that little blessing in the form of sound logic.
These insights, these hints for a successful life come in many forms, from clichés to stuffed somewhere within our parents’ monologues and rants. We may hear them a hundred times and often times we flat out reject them—No, so-and-so is the one for me. It’s in the stars. I feel it. We can make it work if he/she would just try. No one understands, this is real. *tear* But when we are ready to learn, usually when we are pushed to the brink of insanity by our issues, we then understand something, so simple and so true, that it changes everything. We incorporate this new gift into our lives and voila—we grow.
Dying of lung cancer isn’t as glamorous as strapping young cowboys make it seem in black and white movies, blood isn’t as easily romanticized in living color—a vivid, pure red. Blood is something that if it were personified, it would be like the Boogieman or Candyman—if you can see him, you’re in trouble. Bloody Mary, indeed. From what I understand, dying of lung cancer is actually quite painful and difficult to observe, let alone experience. But for most smokers the threat of dying from cancer is as much a deterrent from smoking, as the threat of cleaning dirty diapers and putting aside money in a quaint college fund is a deterrent from unprotected sex between two uncommitted lovers with no condom after a night of drinking and verbal mutual admiration. Consequences— Yes, they can happen. And yes, they have happened before. But they certainly can’t happen to me.
Much like with religion, if you really want to become a believer you’ve got to do better than vague threats, you’ve got to go deeper. The strongest Christians, for example, are not so much the Christians that fear an eternity in hell the most, no, no, the strongest Christians are the Christians that fully understand what they are doing, why they are doing it, and can truly embrace their purpose for being Christians. Indeed, the real Christians are the ones who are consciously aware of what they are doing. They can feel it so much so that everyday life with its constant barrage of doubts and temptations can hardly manage to move them. To bring this back to me and smoking, after a long, tiring, guilt-ridden battle to quit I had almost given up trying for good. I didn’t understand why this was so hard. If I wanted to quit, in theory, all that was required of me was to not smoke. Simply not do it. No one was forcing me to so after making the decision not to, it should have ended there. But as I illustrated earlier, as long as Q has a say in the matter, it will never be simple.
At the same time I was having so much success in the other areas of my life, and I wondered what the difference was. It occurred to me that I was so passionate about the other areas of my life that I didn’t just have goals on a piece of paper—no, I had a whole story in mind. The reasons for being successful in those arenas spanned much larger than myself and I felt like I was not only succeeding for myself but for others, and I guess it’s my love for those other people that make what should be challenges in those areas crumble at my feet. I didn’t just have some arbitrary reasons for doing well, no, I could freaking feel the purpose, and failure just simply isn’t an option. For those reasons, when it comes to something like academics or friendship, Q— I can’t hear him.
We find hidden underneath some old refurbished lessons I learned a long time ago, the answer to one of my biggest problems. It quickly becomes apparent to me that there was truth to what Q was telling me, I really don’t have a reason to quit. The most I could muster was an ambiguous “it’s not good for me” When I really thought of all the reasons I should quit, almost effortlessly reasons came racing to the top of my head. I recalled with huge remorse all of the people that I had smoked with, some who themselves were trying to quit, and by me smoking with them I was part of their problem. Their Q could use me, well Mark Morrison smokes and he’s doing well for himself. My stomach sank at the thought of finding out someone I defended smoking to, in order protect my ego, got sick because I spread propaganda that it “isn’t as bad as everyone makes it out to be”. And in my experience, to smoke in the presence of most people who aren’t already fervent in their disapproval of it, and to at the same time warn them not to, is almost like daring them to. It’s effectively saying, “I can handle this, it’s not the sort of business someone like you would want to get mixed up in.” Now you’ve inadvertently aggrivted their curiosity. I felt all the more alarmed at the thought of just how many people I have influenced to smoke, even if I was just a small push among many. If I continued, how many more people could possibly contract this habit from me?
I also thought about all the things I want to accomplish in my future, and suddenly cancer became very relevant. I thought of how regretful I would be if I had gotten so far and it was all cut short by a problem I never took care of. I thought about the huge risk it would be to my children if they found out I smoked, it would give them a free pass to. And even if I tried to hide it from them, I would be so ashamed of myself. How could I ever talk to them about being healthy, making good decisions, and confronting their problems?
Even now, how could I give my friends advice about overcoming challenges, and being strong, when they know that I have been harboring a problem for so long? Even if they wanted to believe me they would always doubt that I knew what I was talking about. I can’t let that happen. I don’t want to inhibit their growth either.
If my addiction were some sort of beast, then the reasons to quit were like chains. I needed to make sure it could never move, it could never attack me. In essence I needed to restrain my addiction and all of the feelings it exposed me to with feelings, ideas, and emotions far stronger than it. Take someone who really appreciates their parents for example, at a certain level of maturity, the reason one is able to overcome a good amount of the questionable things their parents forbade them from doing is not out of fear of their parents, but rather respect for their parents. Their love for their parents is sufficient to overcome moments of extreme weakness. And the reason they are able to do so well at something or another is to make a parent proud, whereas at one time they would have had no motivation at all in regards to that same level of achievement.
And finally, where did my own resolve go? I’m bigger than this. I’m going to have to be ready to face a lot tougher challenges in life than to quit a dirty habit. It’s time I calmed down, and really make this decision. Yes, even in my moments of weakness and amidst Q’s PowerPoint presentations, these ideas and these potential regrets, they are strong enough to elicit such a powerful feeling of purpose, of duty that smoking simply won’t be an option. I’m really sorry for all of the friends I have been a bad influence over…
…let me show you something.
No comments:
Post a Comment