Montage

Dear Future me,

I spend my days bouncing between apathy and enthusiasm. It would seem like my terrible 22’s have boiled over a year, as I’m often grumpy, moody, and demanding my own way in life. I try to order around my books and papers to work themselves out as I just want to be left to my own devices. When I leave them, expecting that when I return I would find the paper to have written itself and the notes to be neatly compiled on my desk, I’m grimly disappointed to find everything right where I left it with the deadline hours away.

I throw a tantrum.

Maybe I was born a diva. Even I’m startled by these passionate fits of frustration and disappointment. I thought I wanted to grow, I thought I wanted to become stronger, but when it comes time learn my mind violently rebels, proclaiming to anyone who would listen that it would rather be anywhere but here, doing anything but this. I’ve lost all control.

I try to be mentally healthy by telling myself that this is a sign that I’m close to the next stage of personal growth, that my inner child is making one last stand in the name of selfishness and hedonism, fighting with all its got. Then I’m strong.

Of course my cute little war is coming at a terrible time as I’m supposed to be Mr. Ultra-focused-on-his-goals-getting-A’s-and-taking-names. Instead I lie in bed in the morning searching with everything in me for one incentive to get up and start “studying”. The best I can usually come up with is the sooner I get out of bed, the sooner I can get back in when the day is over.

I don’t want to hear anything about “I thought you wanted to go to law school”, “It will all pay off”, “Just focus, that’s what you’re there for” No—it’s real. The hours and hours and hours of “learning”, of reading, of lecture—it’s numbing, it’s cold.

Where is a montage when you need one?

Let me make this perfectly clear to my future self. Here lies the most boring, monotonous, tedious time in your life thus far. No love, no inspiration, no stimulation, no wonder, no awe—nothing. Just reading, just deadlines.

I know, I know, you’re probably like, “that’s right let it all out.” Well, I’m not complaining, this is just how it is. And I say it unapologetically. I’m not in love with “law”, hanging off of every word my professors say, dreamily envisioning my closing arguments during my first case. No, I have no passion for “due process” or the constitution. I don’t want go to a public interest luncheon or a governmental policies seminar. All I want is a hug and time to myself.