On the subject of simplicity, desires, and shame.

It could be that all we have in the end is our strong resolution in our own victory. In a way when disaster strikes and we fail it’s our own shoulder that we cry on. We say things like, “It won’t end like this. I’ll get it in the end one way or the other”

That may be true. In my pursuit to have it all I find that I have very little. What some consider my victories—school, trips, this, and that are the means to my end and not the ends in themselves. Though I have to be clear that I am thankful for such means, I still grow impatient.

I am terrorized day and night by fantasies of my ideal life. Ironically, everything that I see through the movie screen of my wandering mind is in stark contrast to everything I feel now. Oh it is true that the thought of sitting in a quiet park on a day where the weather is in as good a mood as this guy is an irresistible vision. Our bills are being paid on time and I’m taking various lessons in the city for music, dance, art, and languages and so is she. Plans for drinks at the new bar that opened on Main sauntering through my mind before being carried off with the breeze, I wonder if we can still get tickets to the evening showing of--

I have to fight it off. None of that is real.

I’ve overdosed on such humble visions of grandeur and it only serves as a distraction. The reality is I have no job, no “her”, no time for seminars and recitals, and 2 months of this semester left. The harsh difference eats away at me and so I can’t focus when I’m being talked at in one of my indistinguishable classes.

Will anyone fault me for my immature rush to grow up? What cliché can they throw at me that I can’t counter? To enjoy life today? To appreciate what I have now? Stop it. Such ill placed mantras have no place in my current life. I was born different than most; I have a burning passion for the modest and as it stands life is too complicated. And after all, one should follow his dreams.

I feel an irrational amount of guilt for my secret desire for a simple life. My classmates and professors are carrying on about policy, and philosophy, and theory, but I wish to talk about things like life, and God, and friendship, and romance. Ugh! I’ve truly gotten soft. Or maybe life has finally simmered me down to the basics. I do feel that at one time in my life I would have enjoyed one of their conversations, but these days I can’t muster the interest. Life is so short. Do I really want to spend it debating the contrasting opinions of retributionists and utilitarians?

I may as well shed my guilt as well. If I look at it from an economic standpoint, let those who want to think about such things think about them. And me, I can embrace my simplistic desires. There is nothing to be ashamed of. In the end the world will be a better place.

On my journey to regain the romance of life it’s crucial that I start following my heart anyway. What do I really want? Who am I? These questions remain unanswered as long as I refuse to grow more into myself and explore the benefits these feelings could give birth to.

What is the key to living unapologetically despite the results? Isn’t it the conviction on the inside? There is more than a grain of truth that a successful life has to start on the inside. I imagine that a person must first nurture and nourish the desires they have in their heart. These desires are self sustaining and don’t rely on motivation. If a person were to tend to these feelings they would continue to grow until they spill out of the person and start manifesting themselves in their outward life. Then, tell me, what better way is there to live a life than where your desires are both on the inside and manifested on the out? Then we would truly live out our fantasies. At least that’s how I see it.

I want to go in search of the legend. The one where you wake up everyday excited to start your day. The one where you’re in control and you’re living life the way you’ve always desired. The one where you wake up and as soon as you see your reflection in the mirror—you see a winner. It has to be real. I can feel it. It’s just that there are so many things that get in the way of grasping that life. More frustrating is that at the same time there is nothing in our way at all.