There is no good time to change, I found. No matter when you do, your body and mind will reject it, your friends and family will inquire as to why you have changed and sometimes challenge those changes, and you will constantly wonder if you’re making the right decisions.
I guess we have no choice but to either change or not at all as there is never a perfect time.
Good.
In the past when I sought to change, I would make some progress, but I could tell the whole experience was crippled. I made progress, but I could have, or should have, grown at a far more rapid rate. Looking back I can see that each time I held back. I drew the boundary lines for my projects around the confines of what society deems “appropriate”. I didn’t know it back then, but while I wanted to grow, and experience a new way of living and seeing life, I wanted to do so without alarming anyone to the actual changes in me. Indeed, I tip-toed about, careful not allow anyone to notice the subtle changes in my beliefs and demeanor. I shutter at the thought of explaining to someone why I have “suddenly” decided to stop doing this or start doing that. I’m afraid of what they would say to me in response. And even more terrified of what that would think. It’s a personal weakness—the fear of man. It will also be on the chopping board in the coming years as I sweep through the valleys of my mind, razing all the villages that were built on lies and insecurities to the ground.
It occurs to me, and this is humbling, that I will never become who I truly want to be if I hold back even in the slightest. And so this time I won’t. I’ll allow truth to permeate to every area of my life. I will be brutally honest with myself. I will allow the light to be shined upon every dark corner and when my flaws, those demons within me are exposed, I will not look away. I will acknowledge that they are my doing and they belong to me. And when I need to catch my breath, I’ll catch my breath. And when I need to cry, I’ll cry.
What surprises me is how many people confuse growth with growing older. Some people believe that without actually doing the leg work that they are growing simply because as they age they are able to check off the hallmarks of life—graduate high school, graduate college, get an advanced degree, start a career, get married, get a promotion, coast… It’s my opinion that this is not growing in and of itself. Some people believe life is just a series of events that one completes, they stop spiritually maturing when they are good and comfortable. They see others who aren’t yet at their level as immature and anyone working to reach even higher levels of consciousness as “overly-spiritual” or “self-righteous”. They themselves are in the sweet spot. They look for nothing outside themselves except someone of the opposite sex to love them. And if they aren’t religious they constantly put off making the decision of whether there is a God or not. Or they simply say they do not know, and put it out of their minds, as if to say that if there were a God it has nothing to do with them—the creation. Or they could possibly be atheists, quite comfortable in believing there is no such thing as God, just death. Just nothing. And perhaps when I can understand atheists and how they are content in the belief that all life is, in the end, meaningless, yet still lead a life like it means something, then I will have reached a certain level of maturity, or at least understanding of things otherwise illogical, myself.
I know things have gotten rather serious since my first blog entry. I think I revealed more about myself than I originally intended. But I’ve grown comfortable with this arrangement. And as I go into the next year, the theme of the entries will once again change. As I grow I will blog my musings. I hope that a year from today I would have finally taken a real step towards becoming the man I know I was meant to be.
I’m interested to see what growth looks like.
when I don’t hold back.
No comments:
Post a Comment