My reflection hit on me once, it was weird

Sometimes I feel so empty inside I blow off the whole day and distract myself with take out and digital cable. I drink in the nonsense, alone in the dark, feeling sorry for myslelf. Commercials left me with 4 and a half excruciating minutes to think of what I was putting off, think of why I was depressed, and think of more excuses why nothing that is wrong with my life is my fault.

With the end of one of the most rewarding friendships I've ever experienced, and it's disturbing unjust death, I was forced to try and make some meaning of the whole thing after the shock wore off. I was no longer angry, I was more so deeply saddened and almost grieving the loss, as if she were no longer in this world. I would be working, and her face would come to mind. I constantly replayed the first time I met her in my head. Memories I had forgotten all about resurfaced, conversations we had, advice we exchanged, her smile, her laugh, her touch. To make the situation worse I think God wanted me to have nothing better to do but think about it because I sprained my ankle so badly I was pretty much immobile. "Take a seat, Mark" I could kind of see God saying that right before exhales in my direction and I fall flat on my face playing tennis.

So there I was, pathetic on the couch, swollen ankle, movies on demand, memories on demand, sadness on demand (offered in HD)

In the coming weeks I began to really analyze what happened. I did some reading online which led me back to myself. One of my lessons of this year taught me to stop avoiding responsibility and placing the blame. When I stopped blaming her for what happened and looked at myself I was disgusted. All at once the ideas flooded in: I did this. This is all my doing.

Yes it's true that I really cared about her. But the thought of not being with her, to me, I'm embarrassed to say, was like I was doomed to unhappiness. I swore no one would come along that would make me feel the way she did. My emotions were immensely strong and linked to her actions, if she called me I would immediately get excited, I would be all smiles. If she spoke about another guy I would get immensely jealous, my day would be ruined. How sad, right? And so is the fate for someone who thinks love from someone else will make them happy. They grow dependent, and desperate, and ultimately pathetic. The money and power people have their own equally dark rewards for putting their faith for happiness in those things.

I have no doubt in my head that my feelings for her were real, but the way I saw our relationship as a whole was unhealthy. She somehow knew this as she would explain that she felt I put her on a pedestal. After accepting this, a weight was lifted off my shoulder. It somehow felt good to stop denying everything, and finally say "You know what? Yes, yes I am guilty s charged" The truth will set you free. But I had enough. I was going to have to be completely honest with myself, and figure out where to go from here. Because my insecurities cost me something dear to me and it's only because I was trying to protect myself from the truth and stay in my comfortable little bubble that this happened. In other words, out of pure immaturity. And this isn't the first time this has happened which makes it all the more frustrating. I never learn, I keep lying to myself and giving the same mistakes different names and reasons. That is why stripped my belief system down to the very basics and took my focus off of women and to happiness as a whole. Where as before I would go through this and think "It's just that Heather wasn't the one, Felicia is the girl that will make me happy." Now-"No girl no matter who will make me happy, happiness is found somewhere else." With this realization the pressure is off of my love life, and I should be able to find a suitable girlfriend with the knowledge that she, in and of herself, will not be able to make me happy.

I asked myself the question again, "How will I be happy?" I researched it online. The more I read the more I saw a pattern. This is what I learned:

Happiness is a life long journey, it is a sort of commitment to oneself. It isn't just attained one day. Also, happiness comes from within, not from anything on the outside (ie cars, promotions, night clubs, girlfriends, president's list etc)

Since I was thirteen I spent my life with the idea of finding that perfect girl to make me happy burning a hole in my consciousness, every year the pressure growing, every year the thought that I was unlovable getting louder and louder, threatening to become reality and fact. I've been enduring low self esteem and self hate for so many years trying to find validation in specific girls eyes, all of which, every single one rejected me for one reason or another, several leaving me with the consolation prize of Lasting Friendship. Every rejection served to confirm what I feared the most and left me a little less confident as I interacted with the next girl. But with her, she and I had spent so much time together, and enjoyed each others company so much, of anyone in this world who saw my worth, it had to be her. It shouldn't even be a question as to whether she ought to date me or not, after all the time we've shared together. This isn't how she thought, obviously. And there would be no recovering if she rejected me. She is the only girl that has ever gotten that close to me. If she didn't want a relationship with me, no one would.

With every rejection the first thing I would do was blame it on a lack of something in myself ( I lack ambition, I lack "confidence", I lack muscle mass, money, popularity, social status etc.)

But something beautiful happened when my best friend rejected me. When she left that evening, I went up stairs to see what I was missing. I looked in the mirror. I took a long scrutinizing look. I found nothing wrong this time. I thought I looked very handsome that night, actually- and confident too. Very handsome and confident. I thought of what I had going on in my life, and I was pleased with where I was in life and where I was going. I thought about how I treated her and others, and I felt good about that too. I told myself out loud, "There is nothing wrong with you," and then I added "any girl would be lucky to have you in their life." And I meant it. That night I didn't sleep as restlessly as other nights of rejections past. I felt right in my own skin, I felt kind of happy even though externally there was no reason to be. I think that was God's version of a sample taste of what I could have. Because when I woke up the next morning the feeling was gone, but I didn't forget it. And I had a clue of where to start looking for my happiness.

That in short, is how my one of my best friends showed me my worth and also set me on the right path for what I am looking for. I'm retiring the goal of girlfriend from my New Year's resolution list, it has no use to me anymore. I'm replacing it with "Happiness".

In our friendship, I think we both meant well. And I like to think that we both really care about each other, but we both made some pretty bad mistakes. We both hurt each other in some form or another. At this time, I can't get her back. But I did apologize, and with that apology, laid our friendship to rest and gained closure. I wouldn't be surprised to find myself with her in my company in a couple years. But for now, her absence in my life will serve as a reminder of the dangers of putting my faith in others to make me happy, and avoiding taking responsibility for my feelings. It was a high price to pay for some life lessons, though.

Song: Play the Part- Little Joy