A Decisive Battle Won

I wonder how much longer until my roommate finds out I’ve been stealing sugar from him. I ran out weeks ago and haven’t brought myself to buy some more. This whole situation isn’t good for me, the sugar is white.

I’ve finally grown accustomed to my new life. I know where all the dishes are in my cupboards, I know which trains to take where, and I know that if I don’t pick up my laundry from the basement by ten, I will not get it that night. It feels good to feel oriented to my environment again.

Now that I have settled down, there is time to the survey the damage I’ve done to my life in my panic. I haven’t been eating properly, I relapsed and picked up my smoking habit again, I haven’t been working out consistently, I haven’t been sleeping enough, I spent most of my time either thinking longingly about my past or anxiously about my future, and I’ve been complaining the whole time with a victim’s mentality. Nice.

So we know what the problem is…

I can’t say that I watched idly as this all happened. I didn’t watch. My mind was elsewhere, certainly not on my own self improvement and mental, physical, and spiritual health. Of course everything that happens to us is the best possible thing that has ever happened to us if we believe it. So it’s up to me to turn this seemingly unsavory situation into my own personal victory. All of those terrible symptoms share the same catalyst. That catalyst is success.

Success, success, success.

That perfectionist and competitive thing I have going on is driving me into the ground here. I am sacrificing everything to do well. The sick thing about it is, I make very little progress because I spend all my time nervous, and worried, and fearing failure. It’s the same old story. Well I’m finally able to let go of that now.

I can sense that I’m getting stronger even if on the surface it seem like I’m regressing. I’ve started to feel more comfortable with the thought of not being the best in school and work. The very thought a while back would have sickened me. Back then I could not tell the difference between not trying to be the best and giving up. I figured if I didn’t do everything in my power to do well then I wouldn’t do well. If I wasn’t thinking about the goal day and night I would not fulfill it. That’s a child’s mentality.

I’m going to let go of trying to force the outcome that I want and start living in the present, doing my best in faith that I will be rewarded for my effort. It may not be in the way I expect but in one form or another, and it will be the best the outcome for me. Oh I feel so emancipated just thinking about it.

With my mind free and clear of anxiety and perpetual thoughts of me face down in a gutter because I didn’t study an additional hour I can go back to taking care of myself. And as I have already mentioned, there is quite a bit to care for.

I’ll start doing this today and get back on track to becoming a great person.