A man

There are moments in my life when I feel like a man. They seem exclusive to the minutes after a shower where I get dressed up-- a crisp pair of blue jeans, a cream flannel, and a spritz of fragrance. Nothing gets by me and I'm already on to the fact that a modest amount of cologne and a wrist-watch is what makes the man.

I shouldn't be surprised then if I feel over dressed for bed. Well, I think to myself, maybe a man is supposed to sleep as if his future wife may knock on his bedroom door anytime past midnight. More perturbing things have occurred before.

After a shower is when the mirror is kindest t0 me. It's like one of those friends who round up their calculations when you ask them how you look. Bless them. My mirror never stops to think that it might be hurting me more than helping me when it reflects on a curve and I go out into public thinking I'm 20% more handsome than I actually am.

I'm spoiling myself, I know I am. I know this life doesn't belong to me. The cooking, the reading, the thinking quietly to myself about my own good and bad habits. I'm just borrowing them for the moment, a sort of meantime while I await the upcoming semester. If I am going to use my time wisely, it would be devoted to figuring out how to be this cute between the first day of classes and the last exam. Like a physician trying to save the life of a patient he's fallen in love with, I just mutter that "there must be a way" under my breath desperately.

Furthermore, there is more that I need to figure out. It's been too long since I reevaluated my long term goals. That may be more on purpose than I let on, as all of my long term goals have been neglected in the past 5 months save the law school thing. Good for me... the law school thing. I ought to finish up Japanese once and for all and move onto another language. Easier said than done, of course.

In the end I still can't but feel that I'm missing the point. Like my priorities aren't aligned with what they ought to be, like I'm not on my path. I suppose it's difficult to feel like a man when you're living off of loans. I'm sure there is much confidence to come by way of an income and a healthy savings account. But I'm sure once I have that I'll find there is yet something else. Waiting for clarity doesn't seem to help, so I surmise that it is up to me to find the answer. But what could it be?