Author's Note

In regards to the past couple of posts, I haven't been myself recently. I explain below:

Will we ever be perfect? Will we ever be able to go to bed comfortably, the thought that we have taken every precaution to keep from inadvertently harming anyone or anything. Maybe the clue to that question lies within the earth. You know, seeds planted too close together will eventually hurt each other as they compete for water. So as plants grow side by side, sometimes their roots interfere with one another.

That's kind of like with us, right? As we grow, sometimes we hurt others in the process. Some people are okay with that. I'm not. I like the thought of being perfect in others' eyes. So I am always extra careful to make sure that my behavior is of a good nature. But humans aren't perfect and every so often I fail.

When I fail at these things something interesting happens. I see myself with new eyes. Where I once saw one habit or another as normal or natural, I begin to see the flaws in my thinking. I wrote about this in my very first entry. I find bugs. I immediately get upset that I didn't realize that what I was doing was questionable, then I change it.

The truth is my enemy. And the truth is I would never grow unless I screwed up. Without making mistakes I wouldn't be able to identify the problem. Without puking all over my parents foyer I would not know that 8 Smirnoff Ice watermelons are not an appropriate amount for a gentleman. Without waiting until the last minute to start a paper and consequently receiving a poor grade, I would think it's okay to procrastinate. We all have to fail and make mistakes if we want to work the kinks out and become better people.

But it's always a painful and humiliating process. Often times we only prove to onlookers that we don't quite know how to fully work our bodies and minds yet-- we're clumsy and inconsiderate.

What am I talking about? What do I know? You know I was destroyed in the past 4 months. Last post I talked a little about how I used to believe I would grow up to be great. I really did. The past four months, I didn't believe that anymore, in fact, I couldn't figure out why becoming great was so great. No motivation. I was depressed.

But no one likes to be depressed, especially someone who likes to be normal... someone like me. So I told myself there was nothing wrong. Of course there was something fundamentally wrong. I moved to a new city and started a strenuous graduate education. I missed my family, I missed the friends that I literally grew up with, I missed my car, I missed my state, I missed the freakin' I-10 for goodness sake, and I missed what I had for a few months with a girl.

Law school immediately pointed my focus to the future. To me this meant a relentless job and no freedom. I started to feel like my days of relaxing out in a backyard and arguing with Mike were over, replaced with memos and resumes. I was sad. I began to doubt my ability to do well at the school. I began to doubt if I would make any friends at the school on a real level. I have a simple kind of cordial relationship with my roommates, so my apartment doesn't feel too welcoming either. There were too many assignments for phone calls and there was always a crisis. Meanwhile, I can't go to the corner deli to get a sandwich without seeing like 12 dudes proposing and a couple every few feet.

It's true I hadn't prepared myself for the transition. I was intimidated by the school. I was intimidated by my classmates. I was homesick. And I was lonely and confused about what to do. And I would not acknowledge any of it. And I made it through the whole semester without breaking down.

But not the break. I acknowledged everything. I acknowledged that I was scared to death by this school and by my upcoming career. I admitted that I missed my friends and family dearly. I admitted that I was severely confused about my feelings for a girl and what I should I do about it. And I admitted that I was painfully lonely and frustrated with life.

And there was my friends and family ready to listen and give me advice. They are always there for me. They are so patient and kind to me. I sat on the floor in my room and called each one up. They let me vent. And verbalize every ridiculous complaint and worry that I have and then explained to me why this was only a phase and why I would overcome this. They convinced me that it's not over yet, but just getting started.

I have been ridiculous this whole semester. I lost my way big time. I lost hope. I lost faith. and I lost myself. But I'm back now. And I have got a lot of ground to make up. If I ever become great, all of the credit belongs to my friends and family because I would have given up countless times by now but for their encouragement.

So we can go back to our beautiful story now. You know, the one we're I'm awesome, and positive, and full of good ideas and witty one-liners. That one.