I Returned One January.

It’s hard to find inspiration in New York to write like I used to. Even on its best days the city still feels a little suffocating. All of the vegetation is dead, so when the sun comes out it’s kind of sad—like a lover coming back to an empty home. I whisper reassuring words to the sky on my walk to class: “They’ll come back in the spring, the grass, and flowers, and trees. Don’t you worry.”

Poor thing.

The sun won’t come out tomorrow—well at least according to this forecast. It’ll be overcast with a high of 24 degrees.

Tallahassee on the other hand handled winter with a certain dignity and poise. And waking up to 30 degree weather could be refreshing because the sky would be blue (and you could see the sky), the city is still mostly green and quiet. Perfect for inciting the whit and metaphors that a proper blog entry requires.

I’m not sure if I am regaining my powers or whether they never left me. Surely, Marvel was right to call me a Disney Princess. Besides the fact that both I and the other princesses believe in a little fable I like to call “true love” we have another, more practical, thing in common. Things work out for us. The big difference between the girls and me is that unlike them, I lack a certain faith that things will work out. I don’t have a song that declares that someday everything will be different as I humbly mop the floor or run errands. I don’t confide in rodents and small scavenging birds that soon my ship will come in. I complain and worry.

Do things work out for me? Always. And when times are good, I’ll be the first one to say so. But when it doesn’t look like I’ll come out on top, I lose all hope. Even when the situation hasn’t revealed itself either way I am inclined to believe it won’t be good for me. I wonder what my life would be like if I had confidence in myself, in my love life, in my professional life, just among friends.

Well January has been an interesting month. I was able to meet Chris freaking Botti and the band. It was a great concert and an amazing way to start off the year. And just last weekend, I went to see Esperanza Spalding do a late evening show. Before attending, I met up with my friend, Steph from the New York Times, for drinks at this swanky pizza bar on the lower east side. I can never get enough of “drinks” in New York, something about the whole business makes one feel so grown-up. We made friends with the bar tender by using a combination of our strengths: my witty and awkward banter regarding the lack of pepperoni pizza on the menu of a pizza bar and her being beautiful. Unsure which one of us worked our magic, We made his night and he gave us a list of two other restaurants he works at. We all made a pact to one day meet again at a speakeasy themed bar some blocks away.

After dinner and drinks we went to the concert. It was cozy and the music was spectacular. There were two drummers in this one jazz band and their solos gave me goosebumps. After the concert, Steph points out one of the drummers at the bar behind me. As I turn around I come face to face with Esperanza herself! How did she get behind me so fast? I panicked, and fumbled, all that I could get out of my mouth was a gurgled “what’s up?”

Smooth, Mr. Morrison.

The couple next to us kept their cool and ended up getting a picture with her. Meanwhile, Steph and I were fumbling for a pen and a receipt. By the time we got our act together she had vanished into New York never to be seen again… well, until the 10:30 set. Steph and I decided we couldn’t leave it like that and settled on the idea of going to see her again in the future and having a proper meeting. Ugh, if only I handled it like when I met Chris. It must have been the suit.

Besides the bi-weekly rubbing of elbows with Jazz musicians, I have been going out more too. Ashley introduced me to my first New York night club in the meat packing district via back door leading into the club from some restaurant—the kind that cover the tables with white cloth. I fell in love with one of the table dancers. I divided my attention between her and two women dancing to Katy Perry while on stilts. Really.

Like magic, viola, I have friends. As opposed to last semester when I had four, now I have many, including guys! And they are normal, regular people. Just like the kind I would have found in Tallahassee. One of my New Years resolutions was to gain a healthy social life up here. At least 3 other guys to play FIFA with once a week= success. I was even invited to play basketball! Ha! Me play basketball!

I have come to peace with my three year sentence in Law School. Now that the first semester is over the school has lost its only advantage it had over me, uncertainty. I had no idea what I was doing last semester and the only time it all became clear was after the exam. Now I didn’t come here intending to be Mr. 4 point 0—been there, done that. I just want a job, I want to pay off these loans, and I want to continue on with my life. So the thought of not getting all A’s or being in the top 25% of my class doesn’t bother me. Given that I had no idea how to do well here, If I can make it out of last semester dead average, here, I would consider it an achievement. I have gotten one grade back so far and it is looking as if that may become a reality. If I can get the same or higher marks in my two other classes I will be in a very handsome position for the rest of my time here.

That being said, I can finally get serious this semester. Oh yes, they got my ass last semester. But I know exactly what to do now. And the truth is I didn’t get A’s at FSU because I’m smart—no—I got A’s because I am clever. I am good at planning, I’m good at knowing what to study, I'm good at learning how to learn, and I’m good at pacing myself. I am much more confident this semester in my performance, and I expect a beautiful upward trend in my grades for my first year overall.

It has been finalized and I will be returning to Japan for the summer. When I view my life from the audience's perspective I have to say that I am impressed. Without thinking about how much worrying goes into the process, and when I ignore the fact that I don’t really know what I’m doing 90% of the time—I just jump into opportunities and commitments—without all that goes on behind the scenes, the show looks well put together. I say I am going to go to law school, and I do it. I say I want to be an international lawyer—and I’m off to Japan. When I look from the perspective of others it’s amazing, really. I mean if I weren’t me, but I knew me, I would be so impressed by myself.

Unfortunately I am me. So I am not allowed the pleasure of being enchanted with myself. I know what’s going on in the inside too well and everything tastes of porridge* I am working on becoming a person on the inside that matches the person that everyone sees on the outside. Direction, purpose, integrity, morals, discipline—these are all things that must be enhanced before I start accepting compliments from others. Otherwise they are not complimenting me, just God’s impressive ability to use anyone. Besides myself, there are a few others who know whats going on behind the scenes. The Captains**. Oddly, The Captains are the source of some of the most generous and flattering compliments. Even Marvel***.

*Everything tastes of porridge: An expression used to inject a note of reality into our daydreams. The point is that no matter how grandiose our schemes or how successful our self-delusions, the taste of porridge or the reality of our domestic affairs will always be there to impinge on our fantasies. Porridge, formerly a staple in every household, is a most appropriate symbol of the practical, basic nature of home life.

**The Captains- The Captains are for better or worse my best and most trusted friends. An entry is forthcoming explaining The Captains in detail.

***Marvel will deny ever having said anything that could be construed as a compliment or even constructive criticism.